You're Too Emotional

 I am an emotional person, this is something that I know very well about myself.  

Growing up I was seen as a crybaby.  I still am I guess.  The thing is now I don't cry just out of pain and loss.  Immense happiness leads to my tears as well.  

There was a  time in my life that I shut off my emotions and bottled them up.   Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time.  It was easier to pretend to be okay than admit how much pain I really was in.  The reason I bottled it all up was because I did not want to be a burden to others.  There was enough stress going on for those I cared about I did not need to add mine to it.  It was more important to be the angel, everyone needed  or expected with a happy smile on her face.    I avoid confrontation as much as I can still to this day.  Eventually, this becomes overwhelming and everything overflows.  This usually leads to a lack of control of what happens.  When I was in school we had to write a poem.  I still to this day remember what I wrote "She's like a ticking bomb, waiting to erupt.  You never know when she will blow"   I even turned it into a song.  My classmates were pretty surprised when they heard it.  They had no idea how much emotion I had bottled up.  After years of attempting to bottle up my emotions when I feel I need to it is getting much harder to hold them in.  I decided that there is no longer any need for me to do this.  It has just been causing me more stress, and hurting my mental health.  

I lost a friend.  No, they have not passed, they just ended our friendship.  The reason they ended our friendship was because of how emotional of a person I am.  I was having a hard time and this friend could not handle my emotions.  They said it was starting to effect them.  I thought we had agreed just to step back until the stressful period died down.  I had no idea that they would completely put a wall up and block me out.  The thing is they did not even feel the need to tell me their decision.  They were so mean the way they went about it.  At first, I thought I was reading too much into their actions.  Then I was actually avoided.  This hurt a lot.  I could not understand everything that had been going on.  I had figured that this person was just mad at me for something that had happened.  I figured if I just waited and bided my time the anger would subside and things would go back to normal.  I had many opportunities to approach my then friend, but, I chose to just hang back and wait.   My mind was running amok of why my then friend was acting the way they were towards me.    I finally decided to ask for a favor from my then friend.  They listened to my request, turned me down, cuz they did not have time.  Then they finally told me the truth.  

The truth did hurt.  I could not believe that it was because of how emotional I am.  During our conversation I fought back tears, which was to no avail.  I was hurt, but, I was also relieved to finally hear the truth.  I have found that it is getting harder and harder for me to staunch the water works.  I guess I have just accepted my sensitive side and let it run free.  There is nothing wrong with being sensitive and easily hurt.  This person also brought up my tears as proof of not being able to control my emotions.  This kind of made  me a little mad as well.  I did tell this person that they were tears of relief not sadness.  I was feeling like a weight had been lifted.   I mean I made a conscious choice to stop bottling up my feelings and hiding them.  It does no one any good to lie about how I truly feel.  Yes, this leads to arguments, but, sometimes those are needed to communicate and resolve issues.   During the conversation I accepted their decision to draw a line that they did not want me to cross.  They did not want to get anymore involved with me or get to know me anymore.  They also apologized for their mistreatment and how it had hurt me.  They said I had a kind heart and they did not mean to hurt it.  They no longer ignore me and we are cordial to each other in passing.  

After the conversation I was still crying, but, I started to feel like this huge weight had been lifted off of my heart and mind.  I did not tell this person that part of me had been deeply worried about them.  I  was glad to know that everything was okay. They just went back to the standoffish, rude attitude they had before I got to know them.    Also, it was great to know that they were not mad at me.   Now, the only weight on my mind is what to do with certain items obtained during this friendship?  One thing I obtained for a project, that I am pretty sure will never be continued.  The money I put into it, and it was for naught.  It is kind of ticking me off now that I think about it.  Something that I was looking forward to and it was ground to a halt over my emotions.  The way I see it now, is that I really do not need someone like that person in my life.  I wish I could go back and stop myself from getting so involved.  Also to think that I had been defending their behavior to other people around us.   

I will admit that this makes me think about my mantra, "Things Happen For A Reason".  People come into our lives leave a mark and then go on their merry way.  This person did help me see a different side of myself during our friendship.  They encouraged me and helped me grow.  They said that I had helped them as well when we were still friends.  I will just have to see this friendship as a ship passing in the night and sail on.  

I am proud to be too emotional.  This is who I am and I have fully accepted it.  

Momhood Begins.....

 So, to start off it was brought to my attention by my son that i did not write about his birth or my pregnancy with him.  This did really catch me off guard.  I remembered posting about his birth and a few pics of my pregnancy with him.  I have started to search thru all of my pics and documents to put together a journal entry all about when I first started motherhood.  

Man, I have been thinking about this blog entry for near a month now and I am still having trouble putting my thoughts and words in order.  Why, is it so hard for me to write this?

I remember how happy I was the day I found out that I might be pregnant.  I had been praying for this for so long.  Heavenly Father had finally answered my prayers.  My hubby and I both went to the pregnancy center together to take the test.  I went there because I was extremely scared of doctors and hospitals.  Anything that might involve a needle I avoided.  In fact, I still tend to avoid them until I have no choice.  

I got my positive test result and I was close to tears.  Then they did the sonogram and I heard my son's heart beat.  The tears gushed forth and my apprehension that it was all a dream was assuaged.  I had been wishing that I could have recorded that sound.  All doubts were gone, I was officially going to be a Mom.  I also had suspected he was a boy eventho I had wanted a girl.  Something just told me he was a boy before we had confirmation.  I would look at those sono pics every time I had a chance to.  I was ecstatic as was my SO.  We were going to be parents.  We did not immediately tell everyone.  A part of this was for reasons I will not discuss.  The other was I did not need the pressure to go to the doctor.  I knew that i was going to have to face the required procedures during pregnancy, I was just trying to focus on the joy of being pregnant.  At the time I thought that my abnormal fears and reactions to needles were caused by a phobia of pain.  Some part of me wishes that had been the real truth.  We did later find out it was something else.  

I had to deal with a few things that probably would have been easier if I had faced my fears sooner.  I had a really bad abscessed tooth that caused me so much pain.  Eventually I managed to numb it to a point to where it did not bother me anymore.  I was told before any dentist would help me out I had to be cleared by my gyno first.  Not an easy thing to do when I did not have one.  I was blessed that the pain finally subsided and I was able to go forward.  

We went to my grandparents 50th Anniversary celebration.  We flew and yes I still had not gone to see a doctor.  The whole time I was there my immediate family members nagged at me to go to the hospital and get checked out.  Everyone was worried about how bad my morning sickness was.  I will never forget how I had to deal with morning sickness for the whole pregnancy.  No matter what we did it would not get better.  Also l was not adjusting well to the colder temperatures in a northern state.   I have always had a problem with warming up when I am really cold.  We have found that usually a hot shower or bath triggers my body to warm up.  We stayed at my sisters while we were visiting.  My morning sickness was horrible.  They almost took me to the hospital against my will.  Thank goodness that my hubby stood up for me and made sure that we made it to our flight home and promised that he would get me to the doctor when we got back.  He was also concerned, but, he knew that the pressure and stress was not helping any.  

I did go to the dr when I was 6 months along.  It was time for me to take the step and face my fear of that needle.  The first time they tried to draw blood we did not succeed.  I tensed up so much that they were not able to get any blood and my arm was bruised up where they tried.  Black, blue, yellow, and purple.  I was feeling pain when the needle had already been removed.  They wanted to try again, but, I was too worked up.  We ended up having to schedule a morning appointment with a prescription of Benzocaine cream to apply to my arm before they draw blood.  I had never been tested for diabetes so they had me drink that "wonderful" orange drink each time they took blood.  It was not too bad, but after having to drink it several times during the pregnancy I was sick of it.  My first blood sugar test came back high and they had to do the 4 hour blood test.  Now, this was torture for me.  I had to have my blood drawn once every hour for four hours.  Due to my PTSD the nurses were very nice and made sure that I was extra comfortable.  

The results from this test came back fine.  I was cleared until it was time for me to do the gestational diabetes check.  Of course, my sugar came back high from this one as well.  This time the 4 hour test was not as easy.  The ones drawing the blood were not as sympathetic and did not focus too much on my comfort.  The room was cold, which made each time they drew blood more painful for me.  I was so glad when it was over with.  The test came back normal.  

I was happy to be past that hurdle.  I did end up getting a really bad infected pimple in between my breasts, that really hurt.  It hurt so much that I make sure now to never allow that to happen again.  It was also extremely gross.  I would not let my hubby take care of it, so I just endured the pain until it finally started to drain.  Yes, I do put myself thru a lot of unnecessary pain to avoid needles.  

We had a lot of people who were helping us get thru our first pregnancy.  I was blessed with a stroller, crib, play pens, bassinett, baby bedding and so on.  During this time I worked until it was time for me to deliver.  We did end up relocating to a better apartment complex when things became no longer livable.  We were helped by a good friend, who was our room mate for a while after.  He even helped care for me thru the beginning of my pregnancy.  I had really bad braxton hicks contractions and he helped me calm down enough to get thru them in my first trimester.  He has a medical background.  Believe me when I first started experiencing those I was freaking out.  I thought I was miscarrying.  We had tried so hard to have a baby.  I did not want to lose him.  My little man inside me meant the world to me.  

Also during my pregnancy with Lucian we had some issues that could not be solved until after birth.  

I will say one thing once you cannot enjoy something for a while, you certainly become aware of missing it.  Not, really going to go into exact details.  Trying to keep this blog PG...hee hee, I am pretty sure some will figure it out.  They did try to figure out how to get the morning sickness under control.  It is not fun to live off of Pepcid AC or the generic version to save money.  Once we somewhat got that under control things went a little smoother.  

Part of what I did to enjoy my pregnancy was to practice on my knitting.  I knit a blanket and a teddy bear for Lucian.  I will admit that I messed up on the blanket so it is not a neat little rectangle.  It does have character to it.  While I would knit one of our cats would curl up on my belly and jusy purr up a storm.  Cali bonded with Lucian before he was even born.  We thought it was so sweet.  
Ando also bought me a PS3 so I had lots of entertainment when I finished reading all my books I had on hand.  We also watched lots and lots of movies on it.  It was great to be able to watch Blu Rays at home.  

The closer it got to my time to deliver I started to experience a piercing pain in my side that would not go away.  The first time it occured was close to Lucian's actual due date.  I went in and was seen only to be told it was a false labor.  They sent me home and told me to keep them updated if anything changed.  My hubby and I would deal with the pain by having me soak in a hot bath everytime it started.  That usually was enough for me to be able to comfortably sleep and function the next day.  

I went to my appointments every week and everything still showed that it was fine.  Also every week for trhee weeks I went into triage for the same pain.  They never once drew blood.  I do sort of understand, we were trying to avoid that if possible.  The second time I went in I was ready for them to find out what was causing the pain.  They just told me it was braxton hicks and I was worrying too much since I am a new mom.  I will admit that I was starting to get irritated with them.  This was a steady consistent piercing pain that would start on my right side and works it way all the way to my back.  My hubby and I had discovered that when I got down on my hands and knees that it would relieve the pain.  The second time they sent me home with some vicadin and told me to get some rest.  By now, Lucian was late.  They scheduled a final sonogram to determine if I needed to do a C section.  They determined everything was still fine.  The pain got so bad the night before my final exam where we were going to discuss inducing me.  I called and told them about the pain, they said to put an icy hot patch on my back and we would figure it out at my appointment in the morning.  Let's just say that night I got very little sleep.  I was also getting extremely worried.  I knew something was wrong, and no one would believe me.  It was getting frustrating.  

That final appointment was where I was finally believed.  The head midwife in the midwife center was seeing me at this appointment.  We were chatting and everything was normal until she barely touched my stomach and I screamed out in pain.  It felt like everything came to a stop at that moment,  She shut the door, sat down and asked me "how long?"  I told her that I had been dealing with it for three weeks.  She asked if they had taken blood and I told her how I had been disregarded as a new mom who was freaking out over nothing.  She was not happy at all.  I had no idea what was going on.  All I knew was that she asked me to come in the next day in the morning so they could run a lot of tests on me.  She left the room and had changed her mind.  I was to come in that night and have a cervidil used to soften my cervix so that I would be ready to be induced in the morning.   This whole time I still had not been informed what was wrong with me.  From her reactions I knew that it was definitely not good.  I could also tell that she was furious it had been allowed to get as bad as it did.  

So, I came into the hospital with my hubby where they put the IV in me.  I sang to distract myself and keep myself calm enough to have the needle inserted.  It worked to some degree.  With that over with it was finally explained to me that I was Pre- Eclemptic.  I knew this was not good, I had to look up the meaning later.  Everything that was to happen next was explained to me step by step.  They drew blood thru the iv, also they gave me some pain killers.  After they were done inserting the cervidil I was ready to pass out.  In fact, it was strange as soon as they gave me the sleeping pill I was wide awake.  It was annoying, all I wanted to do was get some sleep.  I kept moving around and they had to keep coming in and asking me not to so that I did not disturb the monitor on my belly.  Suffice to say I did not get much sleep that night.  

6am came and it was time to get ready to be induced to have a baby.  They helped me shower so that I could wash off my sweat from the night before.  Anyone could tell I was getting nervous.  Ando was in the room with me, trying to keep me calm.  I had permission to hold off on the epidural so that I could experience some of what labor is like.  Shortly after they induced me they found that we were going to have to switch gears.  As soon as my water was broken everything changed.  It turned out that Lucian's nose was pressing against my cervix.  Also every contraction I felt his oxygen level would go down.  My son was in danger and we had to hurry and get him out to save him.  They did the epidural, which at the time felt like nothing more than a bee sting compared to the contractions.  Then they had me lay on a board, they took off all my jewelry.  Had my hubby  put some scrubs on and a mask.  I was not sure what was going on.  I was not even aware that I was in danger as well.  The only thing going thru my mind was something was wrong with my baby.  I was rushed into the operating room and it happened, so fast.  I felt pressure and then heard the sound of my baby boy crying.  All I wanted to do was see my baby.  He was so tiny and precious.  I cried tears of joy.  The whole pregnancy was worth it.  

It turned out that Lucian had wrapped the umbilical cord around his neck and his shoulder.  That was why his oxygen dropped during each contraction, he was being choked.   We do not know how this was missed in the last sonogram.  It was never looked into.  He was too big to have done it afterwards.  Due to Lucian's predicament he had to stay in the NICU the whole time I was recovering.  I did get to go in and feed him from a bottle.  This later caused us problems with breast feeding, which we did overcome months later.  He was so tiny, every moment with him I was so full of joy. 

I had to put on a yellow scrub outfit each time I saw him.  I was sad that I could not have him in my room with me.  I understood the reason, tho.  He came down with a slight case of jaundice so he had to be under UV lights for a bit,  Then he had to stay in the NICU a little longer because one of the kids in the pod with him had a bug.  They had to make sure that he had not gotten it too before they could let him be in the same room with me.  

It was nine days before both Lucian and I were released to go home.  We went to a restaurant to celebrate our freedom.  Hubby took lots of pictures of Lucian and I looking at each other while we ate.  It was also the first time I had been able to enjoy something that was not hospital food.  

I was very limited on how much I could move around from the emergency c section.  I also had to learn not to let my OCD run rampant.  How was I supposed to know that just organizing my bathroom counter was considered aerobics?  I had ended up stretching one of my stitches.  I had to come in and have my doctor break up the gas bubble that had formed in it.  I also learned about how it was normal for stitches to weap.  

I forgot to mention what had caused me to become pre eclemptic.  The results from the blood test showed that my liver had become sick.  This was due to little man kicking the heck out of it.  He was a very active baby inside of me.  

The Floodgates opened!! Why?!

So, we go from being locked down and in quarantine for our health and safety from a deadly virus.  Now, we have a curfew to keep the "violence" from "peaceful" protests down.  How does a peaceful protest turn into a riot?  This sometimes boggles my mind.  Every time I hear about a protest turning violent I wonder what happened.  What event occurred that caused the floodgates of rage to open and pour out in waves?  

The sad thing about it is that a lot of us go into what we want to be a peaceful protest with rage boiling beneath the surface.  We want our voices to be heard.  We are prepared to force the issue.  We hope that all it will require is us joining together and showing how the majority of us feel to cause change.  The sad thing is that the world is stubborn and stuck up.  It takes a huge event to even cause a ripple.  Once the ripple is in effect anything can happen from there.  

I have been reading and hearing about the opinions of my friends and family on why the protests are happening.  I feel for all those who have been involved in the outcome of a horrible event.  The family members who are in mourning for their loss.  Those who were not even involved who have been effected by this event.  Nobody knows who they can trust now because of these events.  Underlying biases that have been prevalent in our society for years are starting to boil over again.  It breaks my heart that this is how the world is.  Well, to be frankly honest I don't think it has ever been different.  Thru out history in every country across the world there has been bias and discrimination of some sort towards different people.  Religion, race, culture, etc.  It just seems that the world still has not learned to just see that we are all human, and all people living and trying to survive in this hectic world.   It is a sad never ending cycle.  

Do policies need to be changed?  Yes  Is it going to take time to see that change?  Unfortunately, and sadly it will.  All change takes time and we do not always see the changes taking effect.  

We are an impatient type of people.  We want to see immediate change, but, it does not happen that way.  We go about trying to force change the same way thinking it will work.  Why would something that did not work before, work now?  

Last night I saw some of the fall out from a peaceful protest that turned violent.  I do not know exactly what happened that opened the flood gates.  What I do know is how scary the fall out was.  It makes me feel for every person that is out there.  The protesters, the law enforcement, the residents of the area, or people just on their way home from work.  All these people had to deal with a very scary and violent situation because someone took the peace and turned it violent.  There are rumors of what opened that flood gate.  Not sure what to think.  "Frozen" water bottles, or any kind of projectile.  Why are these even part of the stories of what happened?  Why would one need these after dark?

Last night I was laying at home listening to one of my audio books thinking that the reason my husband was late coming home was because he was visiting with a coworker and enjoying his job, only to find out when he got home that was not why he was late.  He was supposed to get off work at 10, he did not come home til almost midnight.  Me, I had no clue he had just witnessed chaos in downtown.  Just from what he told me he witnessed I could understand the state he was in.  Just from his description, it almost sounded like a war zone.  (Flash bangs being set off, Air 1 and Air 2 being sent in) He had been worried about what he would have been forced to decide to do just because he wears a badge.  He had been worried if he would actually make it home last night.  I had no idea how much last night had truly effected him.  I knew that he was shaken due to the fact that all night he was shaking in his sleep.  I kept having to soothe him and tell him that I was right there.  I wondered the whole night what he had just experienced out there while I was safe at home in my bed.  He told me after he woke up and I was shocked.  How had a protest turned that violent?  

Now, my thoughts have been going out to all my friends and family that work in some form of law enforcement or security.  Are they having to deal with this as well?  I hope that they are all safe and making it out okay.  

Isn't there a better way we can get the change the society needs?  Does, it always have to end in violence and blood shed?  

The Second Guessing Queen

Where to begin?

Well, to start off....  I have come to realize that I have one major thing that I constantly do throughout my life.  I second guess myself constantly.  A lot of the major decisions that I have made that have had a huge impact on my life I have second guessed myself.(quitting my job, how I handled certain conflicts)  I drive myself and others knutz with my constant need to have my decisions reaffirmed that I did the right thing.  I go on on and on about the same thing and just have such a hard time stopping myself.  Even as I am writing this I am second guessing what I am going to say.  I keep saying that I have writer's block whenever I try to write, when really I think it is that I cannot manage to force myself to say what I really want to say,  
Everyone tells me to relax, and I keep thinking to myself, "How?"  How can I shut off all the constant thoughts that run thru my head all the time.  That is a lot of the reason I say that I cannot stand silence.  My need of having background sound is to distract myself and keep my brain from having soo many runaway thoughts.  The times that this happens the most is when I am dealing with some kind of conflict in my life.  I cannot stop thinking about the conflict, til it has been resolved or no longer effects my life.  My dreams are even consumed by the conflict.  What should be a restful sleep turns into restless with me waking up with my heart racing because I am so upset.   As of late I have been having many of these kinds of dreams.  There have been so many stressful things going on in the past few months.  It does not help when conflict arises and increases my constant second guessing.  I start to think that I was wrong, and I should have just let things stay the way they were.  I also start to beat myself up because of the reactions I get from others because of my decisions.  Why is it that I feel this constant need to make myself feel bad because I had to put my foot down and it hurts someone else or makes them angry?  Many a time this cycle has played out.  I make a decision, that was actually justified in its entirety and the people it affected try to make me pay in their own way.  As I am dealing with the pain of this reaction I go back to my "Did I do the right thing?" train of thought.  I start playing the broken record in my head, over and over again.  I know that when this cycle begins that a lot of my friends and family probably want to knock some sense into me to just let it go and drop it.  I know I think about it myself as well.  I drive myself knutz with this second guessing myself all the time.
I put up with a lot of things a lot longer than I should have not just because I have enough patience to wade thru the stress, but, also because it takes me so long to stop justifying what someone is doing as right, making excuses for them, etc when I need to just accept the truth and let them face the consequences of their actions.  I deal with the consequences of my inaction and enable some people in my life to continue the create drama. and manipulate me.   It took me years and a lot of encouragement from my friends and family, especially my husband for me to develop a backbone and be able to put my foot down when I need to.  Now, I just need to learn to stop second guessing myself and use that backbone and maybe my stress level would decrease greatly.
The hardest part is seeing or hearing about the hurt my doing so causes those I care about.  It seems to be a cycle that keeps repeating itself.  I let someone into my life, even call them family, put up with all kinds of drama, only to have them turn around and try to make life for me and my family harder because they feel as if they were wronged when I put my foot down and say enough is enough.  This does make it harder to break my cycle of second guessing because what I feared would happen has.
I know that all actions have consequences and that is what my mind focuses on.  I will admit that I tend to focus on what is the worst possible consequence that could result from a decision.
I remember how hard it was to quit my job the first time.  I had soo many people telling me it was the right thing to do. but, I could not stop thinking how upset and hurt my boss would be.  I kept thinking that I would be seen as someone who betrayed them, .  I know that it was a job, but, for soo long it had been my life and my boss was family.  I remember crying the whole way to work when I decided to put in my 2 weeks notice the first time.  Even after I had finally taken the steps to fully quit I still had that nagging thought that I was not doing the right thing.  It was not until my final day of work that I stopped second guessing my decision and knew it was the right decision.  I was so much  the happier for it.   Ando and I were arguing less and I was able to spend as much time as I wanted with my son.  
Many times I felt an obligation to bail someone out who I had seen as a sister.  Every single time she had hurt me and it took a lot to get over it.  Also I and my family had to deal with the consequences of the betrayals.    This time I made a final decision and severed the friendship.  I will admit that my mind goes back on was it the right decision?  Was it my fault for the conflict that arose on a certain day?  Was it my panic attack?  Was it the stress of the whole weekend?  Could I have handled her reaction a lot differently and taken into account the timing and place?  A part of me wishes that I had not gone and then maybe her and I would still be friends.  I know in my heart that I made the right decision, but, my mind keeps taking me back to the possibility it was not.  I also know that  a lot of this is due to the amount of pain that I have been enduring from the decision.  I will admit that the decision to sever the friendship has made it where activities that her and I shared are going to be a bit awkward.   I feel like I should make sure that when it comes time for events we used to share that I should avoid her, but, my husband tells me that I should not let her presence keep me from going anywhere.  I keep thinking it would just be easier to avoid her all together.  How am I going to handle things when I do see her again?  Am I going to be able to stand my ground and hold to the decision that I made?  Will I continue to second guess myself on this decision?
The cycle continues...
This time my husband and I opened up our hearts and our home and both adopted another friend as family only to be smacked in the face again.  We felt for someone who was going thru a hard time and we had a way to help them.  We made things too easy.  I made an arrangement that was mutually beneficial.    At first the agreement worked, but, then conflict arose and I made too many, what's the word?  allowances? is that what I am trying to say?  I gave this person an opportunity to make excuses and recruit others to keep the arrangement while this person reaped the rewards, etc.  I will admit the more this person used the loophole I had created in my being too kind hearted, and understanding the more I doubted my decision.  I also worried that if I did not continue to be lenient it would put me in a hard spot, and that caused me to continue to allow the excuses.  I enabled a habit, that was getting out of control.  All I saw was that my stress level was starting to go up again.  When I finally put my food down, it was not an easy decision.  I decided that enough was enough.  I had to put my personal feelings aside and do what was right.  As much as it tore at my heart and caused me stress, I knew it was something that needed to be done.  I keep telling myself it was just business, nothing personal.  I just wish that this person would understand that.  No, this person turned to sabotage and only see that they were wronged, that I was out of line, etc.  They see that they were keeping their arrangement and will not see differently.  How can one be keeping their arrangement when they are relying on others to do it for them?  How can one be seen as reliable, when they choose to make themselves unavailable to keep their obligation?  I do understand priorities shifting, and things becoming more important than previous things that were of more importance.  It is just that sometimes other people realize it before you do.  This is how I know that the decision I made in this situation was the right one.  The arrangement was no longer working, and for a month or so I knew it.  My second guessing myself is the only reason I tried to make it still apply.  I will admit that many of my friends have told me that the arrangement stopped long before I put my foot down.   I have talked to many people about what has happened because of the consequences that I have had to deal with because of this person's reaction.  It does cause me to second guess how I am handling everything.   I know that I am angry, hurt, and wanting retribution for the actions that were done to hurt me or make my life harder.  I also know that I am not that kind of person.  I think of how I was brought up to turn the other cheek, follow the golden rule, etc. and I know no good would come from it.   I just want all the drama of the whole thing to be gone.  I know my decision was the right one, eventho, a part of me is still second guessing it.  
It really helped when a new friend of mine told me that I am not the drama nor the one who created it this time.  I had never thought of it in that way.  I have always had this urge to blame myself for all the drama that rears its ugly head in my life.  I always would wonder what I could have done differently to keep the drama from happening.  It was nice to see it from a different perspective.  I think this will help me control the second guessing that causes my delayed reactions in conflict.  I will admit that it is going to take a lot of self control to calm my thoughts and to keep myself from second guessing everything I do.
As I am finishing writing this I am wondering if it is right to write it all down for everyone to see?
What kind of reaction am I going to get from this?

Family Outing #2- Scarborough Faire

I  was soo happy that we were able to make it out to Scarborough Faire this year.  I have been trying to get back out there for years now.  Last year I was pregnant and we did not feel it would be conducive for me to walk around in that heat for soo long during the day.  The year before that we did not have the funds and the year before that I was pregnant.  So, we finally were able to plan and make it out there.  We had soo much fun.  I kept telling Ando that he was going to have fun.  To start off I am very grateful to all my friends who helped make it possible for us to have a fantastic time there and for us to even go.  Thank you soo much.  You know who you are.  :)

Well, we did not get there as early as I had originally planned to, but, that ended up working out in our favor.  The trip to the Faire was pretty fun.  I had fun getting Lucian to sing along with some of the Disney love songs I have on my cd that I listen to a lot.  It was soo cute to hear, but, every time I pulled out the camera to record him, he went silent.  The little butt...LOL.

When we got to the Faire we were blessed with a wonderful gift.  We were pushing the stroller thru the mud in the parking lot and were on our way to the gate to purchase our tickets when  we were stopped by a very nice guy who asked us if we had bought our tickets yet. Some of the people in his group that he had bought tickets for were unable to make it so he was selling their tickets.   He sold us two tickets for the same price we would have paid for just one, so we ended up saving money.  I was soo grateful to this person for giving us such a great deal on our tickets.  It just keeps confirming to me the way I see things happening in my life.  "Things happen for a reason"  I overslept and that was the reason we were late.  To think if we had been there when I had originally planned to be we would not have basically gotten one ticket free.

The first thing we bought after we entered the Faire was a program with a map to help us navigate around the place.  Ando wanted to just get a layout of the place first before we would spend any money.  Now, I will admit that I was a bit annoyed.  I wanted to at least window shop and I was being kept from doing that. We did stop and shoot a bow and arrow.  I did not do too bad, I actually managed to get about three of my arrows in to the hay bales that were in the shooting range.  Personally, I do not know if there was a target to aim at, if there was I did not see it.

 After we were done with that we started to walk around some more.  We stopped to watch a show.  Which Lucian seemed to get into.  "Duke of Danger"  -  The guy was standing on a ladder that was not leaning against anything.  It was fun to watch him perform tricks and make jokes while he was up on it. Then he got down and did a few more balancing tricks that were really impressive feats.  I took a bunch of pics of the guy performing.

I stopped and got fitted for corset, so now, I know exactly what size to get when I do get a corset.  I honestly think that it would be a good investment it might help retrain me how to stand properly when I am not having to lean back to carry a child comfortably on my hip.  Lucian got out of the stroller only because he was tired of me leaving him with his Daddy in the stroller.  I was carrying Aileya, so he wanted to be near me as well.  I was happy, and thought we were not going to have the stroller prob again.  I was wrong.....

After I was done being sized he climbed back in the stroller and we started having a bit of trouble getting him to get out of it.  I was not happy with this turn of events.  I did not want a repeat of what had happened at Six Flags. The only thing that I could think of that might help convince him to get out and play was to get him a toy.  At first, Ando did not agree with me til Lucian actually got out of the stroller and followed me to pick out his soft safety sword.  It was soo cute after Ando purchased his toy for him he was standing on the side lines acting like he wanted to join in the sword fight he was watching.  They had Ando get in the ring and play fight with Lucian, which Lucian thought was awesome.  He had soo much fun.  After the time was up for the play battle, Lucian proceeded to give back the sword.  I thought it was soo cute he honestly thought it was not his.  After we were finally able to get him to understand that it was his, Ando started to show him the proper way of swinging it.

It was then time to pick out something to eat, because Aileya was getting fussy and I knew she was getting hungry.  Since, his sister was getting hungry we figured Lucian was hungry as well.  While we were waiting for our food to be cooked I started to play with the kids with Lucian's new toy.  Him and his sister thought it was a hoot.  I kept playfully bopping them on the head with it, and got lots of giggles out of them both.  I also  tried to get a pic of two happy children in the stroller.  The only prob was a little boy was wearing a hat that was blocking his face.  He got mad at me when I tried to move the hat so that I could see his cute little face.
Ando bought a quail kebab, and he shared it with both Lucian and I.  I ate most of my chicken stir fry.  Lucian chowed down on the kebab.  Then he played with some of the rocks and dirt on the ground while I ate and fed his sister.

It was around this time that my friend, who I had arranged to meet at the Faire had messaged me and said she was there.  We then headed over to where she was.  I made a quick stop into the belly dancer attire store and bought myself some sleeves to go with my outfit, since my arms felt like they were getting a little hot from the sun.  I got them for a pretty reasonable price.  I also got some tips of how to cover up my tummy and what not.  I love shopping at that store.  I have gotten almost  all of the pieces of my belly dancer outfit that I have from them.    I even saw a really cute outfit for Aileya, for when she gets a little bigger.  I had no idea how close we were to the meeting place for my friend.  I called out her name, and got an immediate response.

She immediately relieved me of having to carry Aileya at that moment.  She was getting her "baby fix"....lol  Aileya was loving all the attention.  First thing we started to get pictures taken with "The Dragon Riders"  It was fun....Lucian was actually in a couple with me.  I just love posing for pics.  I offered to take a picture for one person and then she was like, but, I want you in the pic too...so, we had to rotate out who was taking the pics.  I finally pulled Ando away from his new friend to take the pics.

I was soo happy that Ando was soo happy while we were there.  Plus, Lucian was no longer in the stroller.  It is always nice to push around a childless stroller.  :)  He was out and actually interacting with others.  He kept making sure that his new toy was put in a place where he would not lose it.

We stopped by a few shops, did a bit of window shopping.  My friend showed me these cool earrings that u just thread thru ur ear with no backings or hooks.  I figured that these will be better for me because little hands and fingers like to pull at my earrings which is part of the reason why I do not wear anything in my ears very often anymore.  After that we stopped for the knighting ceremony.  I had to trade with my friend and go and take Lucian to the King to be knighted.  He was in full shy and bashful mode and would not even look at the King.  I kind of felt bad, that my son was being soo rude.  At least the King was understanding and still knighted him.  Lucian got mad when they put a necklace with a card on it around his neck.  I had to put it on my wrist.
When we turned around and were presented he was a totally diff child and was smiling and happy to be the center of attention for that moment.  As soon as we were done he went right back to the stroller.  I then went over and retrieved a sleeping Aileya.  I had known that she was getting tired and was going to fall asleep soon, I just had not realized how soon.  I talked to a really nice Lady who was going to present Aileya to the Queen.  We had a very nice convo and then I was asked if I would not mind if the King performed the ceremony instead of the Queen because she was asleep and they wanted me to be able to put her in the stroller so she could lay down.  I was very appreciative and accepted the change of plan.  I then was interviewed by another Lady.  This time the King stood up and did not make me kneel and he made my little princess a Lady of the Court.  It was a fun play acting activity.  Lucian finally calmed down once I put his sister in the stroller and we were on our way to the next thing.

One of the main things I wanted to get while we were at the Faire was a fun family portrait.  It has been soo hard lately to get a photo of our little family together.  Lucian either won't stand with us, and pose, or he is throwing a fit.  My plan was to get a really nice photo of all of us.  We were a bit concerned that little girl was asleep and we might have to wait til she woke up.  The thing was that we had stood in that line waiting for soo long that she had been asleep for quite a while.  I figured that she was going to wake up soon anyway.  I did manage to get her to wake up and she was a very happy baby girl.  Her brother then was the problem again.  He did not want to get out of the stroller to put on his costume for the pic.  I was getting really frustrated with him yet again.  He did get out of the stroller and started to cooperate somewhat.  We were able to put his costume on him without much fight.  I had to change little girl's diaper before I could change her into her costume.  She and her brother looked soo adorable when they were dressed up.  We had to put Lucian's shoes back on his feet before he would cooperate any further.  Then it was time to pick the prop he was going to hold for the pic.  He saw the shiny scepter and really wanted to hold it.  It was perfect because he was dressed as a pirate, so he had stolen th king's scepter and was showing it off.  Ando looked fantastic in his pirate costume.  The picture turned out fantastic.  So, now, I finally have the family portrait I have been wanting to have done for so long.  It was a fight at first, but, when little boy started to pose and what not things worked out really well.

It was getting closer to the time for us to get ready to go home.  We ran into another friend who we had not seen in a while.  I had thought I had seen him from afar, but, did not know for sure until he came over and said hi to us.  We chatted for a bit and then he headed on his way.  Then it was time to rehydrate.  My friend went over and got us some gatorade.  I am guessing that little boy was really thirsty because he would not stop drinking from the cup for a while.

After that we let little girl have some time on the ground, since she seemed to be diving for the ground.  We found a not soo muddy part that she could crawl around on.  I was not concerned about her crawling around on some rocks.  I know that right now she likes to have things in her hand, but, she is yet to put them in her mouth. NOt, that I am not watching her like a hawk in case that changes.  She wanted to join in with the boys who were playing with the rocks.  Lucian was using his sword to sweep rocks and what not.

My friend and I were really happy that her boyfriend and Ando were having soo much fun talking and "letting their geek show" .  We kept telling them to go ahead and exchange phone numbers so that we could get moving.  We basically just went ahead and walked away from them and told them to follow us.  We were almost to the gate when one of the cast members jumped out and slid in front of me.  He really freaked me out.  I was completely in shock and did not know how to respond.  Thank goodness my friend scared him off with her stare.  I do not know how long it would have been before I would have been able to respond.

After we got outside the gate it was then decided that the two men would go and bring the cars to us while we chilled out in the closer parking area.  It was soo nice to sit down.  I did not realize how much my feet were hurting til I was off of them for a bit.  Lucian was still playing with my friend's son, who he was now seeing as his new friend.  He was having a blast.  It is great to see Lucian interacting with other kids.  I know that with him being cooped up at home with me all the time he does not get that much opportunity to spend with other kids close to his age.

After the last cannon fire of the night startled me and set off a few car alarms it was time for us to get read to head for home.  Aileya was also showing signs of being tired again.  I was happy to see that both kids were showing signs of exhaustion from our fun day.  My friend and I finally managed to get the guys to exchange phone numbers.  I lost count how many times we told them to do that....lol, men....

When we were almost home both kids were sound asleep in their car seats.  It is funny how I do not notice when Lucian goes quiet and falls asleep.  Today is the second time that he has fallen asleep without me noticing.  One of those times I was sitting next to him.  He was really tired.  He was a little upset when we stopped to get gas and then when I went into the store to get some more diapers for him.

When we got inside the house I saw in the mirror in that I had a pretty bad sunburn on my shoulders, but, I also had a nice tan going.  I am soo happy I actually succeeded in getting a tan.  That is soo rare.  Usually I have to burn before I tan.  This is fantastic!!

I cannot wait til next year when I can go again and have a blast!!

Family Outing #!1- Sea Life Aquarium and Legoland

So, I know that it has been quite a while since I have updated this thing.  A lot has happened between now and the last time I blogged.  I will slowly get caught up later on.  For now, I am going to start with some more recent events.....

Starting with our really fun trip to the Aquarium.

One of my friends works at the Aquarium so he was able to get us in free, for which we are very grateful.  It is always great to be able to have a wonderful time going out and doing things as a family.  This was the first time we had really been able to go anywhere as a family.  I mean I have taken the kids to Six Flags, which was kind of a bust.  I will get into that in a later post.  I get to do lots of things with just the kids and I.  This was the first time Ando was able to come along with us.

First, we went into Legoland, because it has more things for Lucian to do.  When we entered, we are lead into a mock lego factory where we get to interact and make the machines work and make legos.  Lucian had soo much fun turning the wheel to activate the painters.

His Dad actually joined in on the fun and turned the wheel too.  They both had a little too much fun and we had to work to get Lucian to stop turning the wheel.  When the legos were dropped into the bucket Lucian just waited patiently to get one.  After we finished going thru the mock factory we went straight into a game, where you have a laser gun and can shoot at a bunch of targets to rescue a princess from some trolls.   Ando says that I beat his score and it surprised me because I was sure he would smoke me on that game.  After the little ride/game we went into a room that was full of lego diaramas.  An entire replica of Downtown Dallas made completely of legos.  It was awesome to see.  There were also little games that the kids could play with the legos such as Football, controlling a crane, moving a horse, and working an oil drill.

Lucian had fun with all of them.  Ando also looked like he was in heaven with all those legos.  :)  After we left that room we went and spent some time in the play area.  At first, Lucian tried to take some kids' lego fort apart, til I stopped  him.  Then he decided he wanted to help them build it.  I could tell he was having a blast.  We would have stayed in Legoland longer, but, we did not want to miss getting to see the Aquarium.



When we first got into the Aquarium Lucian's good mood went out the window.  He was soo scared because the place was a little dark and he was not sure what to expect.  He had his Dad carry him around for a bit, then he walked around some.

What really did the number on him was when I tried to have him go under one of the tanks with me and look up from below. As soon as I lifted him up to see the fish above us, he freaked out. I felt soo bad....  His sister on the other hand was fascinated with the fish and did not show any kind of fear the whole time.  She was touching the glass, trying to reach the fish and smiling for all the pics thru the glass.  (The ones that made it look like we were really under water.)  Lucian from then on absolutely refused to get out of the stroller.  I was not going to let his refusal stop me from getting as many pics of Aileya and I as I could.

 I decided that it was time I was actually in some of the photos, since I am always the one behind the camera.  We did manage to get Lucian to take a couple pics with me in front of the tanks.  The family photo did not really turn out that great because Lucian was either fussing, or not looking at the camera, or his sister was not looking at the camera and what not.  When we came to the area where we could actually touch some of the fish Aileya was more than happy to participate.  Ando took a lot of good pics of her showing a lot of interest.  After we were done in that area we knew that it was time to leave the aquarium.
I will admit that we will need to find more time to be able to go back, because Ando was really enjoying himself there.  He disappeared on me a couple of times.  I even had to text him to bring back my camera because I wanted to take some pictures of the fish.

After we left the Aquarium we grabbed a bite to eat and then I wanted to check to see if a certain store had something I was looking for.  The store did not sell what I was looking for, but,did sell some really cool looking leggings (galaxy pics, etc) that I have had my eye on for a while.  I will def be going back when I have the chance to get a few pairs of the diff designs.  When we were about to head home I ran into a friend I had not seen in forever.  I was soo happy to see her.  It is always great to catch up with friends one has not seen in forever.  Now, I have someone who lives closer that I can hang out with.  :)

One of those Days :(

I do not know what was wrong with little girl this morning.  All I do know is that she was determined not to go to sleep last night.  She was rubbing at her eyes and we could tell she was tired, but, every time we tried to put her to bed it became a screaming fest.  My nerves were shot from how much and how high pitched her screams were.  I was up til about 4am before I finally managed to get her to sleep.  She seemed to only be somewhat happy when I was up walking around holding her.  Even then she did not want to stay still.  It got quite a bit frustrating and annoying.  I was barely able to stand, let alone, walk around with her.  She was not hungry, she was not interested in tummy time, not interested in teething on things; she just did not want to go to sleep.  During her scream fest she woke up her brother.  He was soo tired when he came into our room and climbed into bed next to me.  In fact, he kept rolling off, hitting his head, and waking himself up.  Needless to say I had to move him to his bed after I moved her to hers.  I think I might have been asleep for 2 to 3 hours when little girl woke up screaming again.  This time she was hungry.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  She fell asleep eating.   A little bit later her brother climbed back into bed.  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and found him playing with my computer.  I do miss my laptop.  At least, with my laptop I could put it up out of his reach.  No such luck with my desktop.  He thinks it is ok to push the power button whenever he wants to.  He ended up being put back in his room.  He was not happy, and neither was I.  I had ended up waking up little girl when I got up to move her brother.  She went back to sleep with no fight as long as I was holding her.  

I was soo tired when I finally started to get up and move around.  Also, little girl was fussing again, so I made her another bottle.  I totally forgot to ask Ando if he could get her extra water out of the car before he left for work.  So, now, I am just hoping I have enough without having to use filtered tap water.  She gets a bit constipated and gassy from it.  

After Ando left for work I decided it was time to start my ritual Thursday cleaning.  I gathered up all the dishes and got those done.  Then it was time to gather up all the clothes in the house that need to be cleaned.  After I started the washer, I opened the dryer and found that I had forgotten to get the last load out and put it away.  When I found this I started to wonder where my mind has been lately.  I started to ask myself this question more after the smoke detector started going off.   I had decided to sterilize some of the baby stuff (aspirator, bottle nipple, and sippy cup part).  Needless, to say I totally forgot about them and started to smell something.  I could not figure out what it was that I was smelling.  I honestly thought that my mind was playing tricks on me again.  When the smoke detector went off I knew I had not been imagining the smell.  I could not figure out what was burning.  First thing that came to mind to me was my floor heater in the bedroom.  I checked it, and it was fine.  Lucian knows to keep away from it and not to put anything in it.  Then I went back into the kitchen to try to figure out what could be setting off the alarm.  I looked at controls to the oven to see if maybe it was on, it was not.  That was when I realized what it was that I had been smelling.  I literally wanted to smack myself for forgetting about what I had on the stove.  I moved the pot and where I moved the pot now has a nice little burned circle on it.  I turned off the stove and then looked in the pot to see what the damage was.  The aspirator was a black mess, and the rest were starting to burn.  I soaked them in warm water to cool them and then used cold to try to save them.  No such luck, they crumbled in my hands.  Oh, well, now I am down to two bottles until we can replace the nipple I burned.  As for the sippy cup, luckily, I had a replacement from an old sippy cup of  Lucian's.  I will admit that little boy is a little confused as to why I went into his toy drawer and retrieved that part.  We have all these sippy cup parts and very few of them have all their parts.  Somehow all the parts that I had up where a little boy could not get to them ended up in his play drawer in the kitchen.

At least, right now little girl is sleeping.  She did scream for a lot of today as well.  She just was not happy not being held today.  She only played with her toys on the floor for a little bit before she started fussing.  

I will say that right now, I feel like my nerves are shot.   I wonder what other thing I am going to forget about today, or do that is going to make me want to face palm.